|What have I done?
||[Mar. 5th, 2011|07:24 pm]
In my life, so far what have I done?|
What that is amazing, or inspiring, or that would fill me with awe.
I can't think of anything, and the fact that I am bothering with the thought must be some middle life crisis, proving my life to this point has had worth.
But really, what have I done.
I have loved 3 women wholey and failed awesomely in each case.
I went to clown school, that was difficult, to leave my home and go to a new city to follow a fool hardy impulse, with much lost hair and cortisol in the mix, but that's no more than many many people do, at a much earlier age.
It can be argued that I have in some way saved two people from overdosing. One of whom means something.
That was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I quit speed, on my own cold turkey.
Took a long time to heal, and don't know if my brain will ever again be what it was.
But it was the hardest thing I have done.
Still, I don't think it qualifies as amazing.
I still then, have amazing things I need to do.
Why is "amazing" important?
Nothing will ever "qualify" as amazing until you let it.
I don't think it's possible to be content with our lives if we don't stop comparing ourselves to other people and various and sundry ideals.
I do understand that there are things we each are going to want to accomplish. Meanwhile, while we're trying to do that we have to live with the moment. If we tell ourselves it's not good enough, then we're really quite fucked and unlikely to suddenly know how to let it be good enough when we do accomplish something. There will always be another goal, another desire, another aim. That doesn't end.
I believe every kindness counts often, in fact usually in ways we'll never know.
You've probably had more of an effect that you possibly can know.
In other words, please be kind to you, mmkay? Thank you. xo
For my part: the day I heard those 2 shock jocks speak your name while driving home from work goes down in my life as one of the few huge defining moments.
I wouldn't be a painter now, or a sculptor, or have any creative joy if not for you 8 years ago. You gave me the keys to to the fucking kingdom of creation one day when you said something like 'I didn't do this because I wanted to be somebody, it's because I wanted so badly to see it, and it didn't exist, and so I had to create it.'
I tell you that to this day, I live by that philosophy. I practice what you preached. (I hope that terrifies you.) Of course, that never stops us from wanting to be somebody. It's a dark little paradox, but it's as fun to swim in as it is horrible.
I also wouldn't have explored personal avenues that led to what I call my spiritual identity today, so you can put down "frla" as prophetic. I'm 100 times happier and more content at this stage of my life than I ever dreamed I would, or could, be before cycle that was marked by the turning point of meeting you.
The way you were sticking your neck out, whether you knew it or not, was pretty inspiring as well. I think I already told you how that altered my worldview.
Not that any of it helps in the current situation, but taking stock of your past accomplishments is part of the midlife cycle, so here's another for your list. Loving someone wholly is VERY amazing IMO.
If you're having midlife crisis, flow with it as much as possible, learn from it, forge yourself through it. It's a metamorphoses process. There will be bad moments. It's like a second adolescence, but you can end up with a prize.
I struggled through the worst of mine with Jung and Anima theory. You used to chase the Anima yourself quite devotedly, she might be a good carrot for this. But to give honest warning, that avenue does end up in spiritual mindsets, and reversions to magical thinking. (I'm my own personal cult of Aphrodite, but you can be too!)
Still, I would advise anybody to develop their own spirituality, especially at the midlife crossroads. It ain't all roses, belief is HARD on the ego, and humiliation can be scary, but it does make the heart sing, and provides a symbolic framework for working with inner intangibles and emotion.
Stay away from cults! Unless you start them, of course. :)