| fiction every day |
[Oct. 14th, 2009|02:09 pm] |
Trying to write fiction every day until I learn how.
It's a skill, i will develop it.
Here is today's attempt.
( Read more... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|12:02 pm] |
So, it's become a habit now that, when I go through my yearly crazy pants phase, that coupled with the rage and the sadness that precedes and follows the rage, the fuck-its and the horrible anxiety, I also fall to thinking a lot about Letecia.
I realized the other day I couldn't remember her last name. I blanked for about a day.
I remember now, but it freaked me out.
The computer with the photos of her when we were together is dead, so those are lost to me.
It's now been a little over 4 years since she died, the year before I moved here. So thinking about her is closely linked to the awareness of crazy pants creeping up on me.
I miss her, and wish she hadn't been so fucked.
And maybe if I'd been a little less insane I could have done more to pull her out of it.
But it is where she wanted to be, she romanticized addiction, and had a shit load of pain to avoid.
Still, she's hanging around my head, all sweetness and light, with the worst bits glossed over by dint of her being gone.
And thinking about her makes me less sad and angry, which is the antithesis of our relationship at the end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|09:24 pm] |
My Beard, It's my first one ever!
Me rehearsing my Trunk act, photo taken by Mr. John Gilkey! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2009|09:04 pm] |
So to clarify, this journal will be pissing and moaning and venting out the crazy.
Going to start a second one for learning to write fiction.
I'm on face book for general social networking, and live in san francisco if you want to be my friend, or the like.
But here, mainly just going to try not to be crazy, by letting it all out in one piece.
So if i seem terribly unhappy all the time, it's because I come here to vent it.
find me elsewhere if you want something else, and thanks for bearing with it, otherwise.
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2009|06:35 pm] |
Going to try to write everyday.
Fiction.
been working on a very stupid story about a man who clones himself to feed the world.
It's the only ethical answer in his eyes.
Also, the girl said yes.
I haven't asked out anyone on a date in over 5 years, possibly in my entire adult life.
I don't date, i usually just hook up with people I already know I am going to have sex with,
and if anything sex often comes before anything date like.
I was a little too subtle and she wasn't sure she had been asked on a date.
So yay me,
and oh my god I am such an enormous dork.
On plan, less crazy, saw a movie, sang and made music making plans with my friend audrey for tomorrow.
Now if only the roommate didn't shit in the bathtub, things would be quite poleasant.
A. |
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| Surrogate for Happiness |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|10:22 pm] |
I'm fine.
Writing about this helps.
I have always wanted a pill I could take for instant emotional stabilization. A neutral, balancing return to center, that I could depend on iin emergencies.
This is why he eventually became a meth addict. It was instant happy the first times, and then after your body spends forever chasing after tat sensation, witout ever acheiving it again. It believes it will though, despite the constant failure to do so. And therein lies addiction.
But in moments like these, many years later, I feel the intensity of contrast between normalcy and the anxiety and tension, the gut squirming background fear and the welling of sadness behind my brain. This is the product of my body, not my life or the drugs I abused as a kid to try and make this go away, to clarify. But it is a constant background hum of disconsonnance and the tug of eventual perpetual despair, that in moments wins out and takes the rudder on my rational thinking and emotional control.
Fall makes it worse.
This is the bad time. I forget now, in my normal moments, (and it's only when the walls press back in and the distortion comes on that I remember) that any other year I would have felt this way constantly from August trough November. So I am thankful for these stretches of normalcy brought on by medication and awareness. But it still comes back, momentarily forgotten and it wrenches in guts and closes down the future, and I hover on familiar precepice, orbiting the rim, just trying not to get sucked in.
So now, it is so much better than ever was before, while still being exactly as bad as it ever was.
I remind myself to make no life decisions, let the anger go, remember that all this shit passes, the focus on the process rather than the product, the journey instead of the destination, and try to find a surrogate for happiness and well being, until the winter comes and I can be a human being again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2009|04:38 pm] |
So, over the last 6 months or so I tried a number of different medications.
I went to get some anxiety treated,and got diagnosed with something else, and in the process of figuring out a treatment I tried allot of different meds.
And none of them worked correctly. This in turn means I was left with a number of bottles of nearly full psychoactive medications.
I have bottles of Lamictal, Lithium, Meclazine, and Abilify.
What the hell do I do with these?
Can I donate psych meds somewhere?
I also have a couple of Ativan, but I'm keeping those I think.
Any Suggestions?
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2009|05:48 pm] |
WOW.
So sleep is a MAJOR trigger for me it seems.
Not sure what to do about that.
I only have to ativan left, and they are addictive anyway.
So I need to find a new answer to keep sleeping, despite the horrible douchebags below.
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2009|06:04 pm] |
and now the crazy is pretty much gone.
Not sure what happened there....
blood sugar?
lack of sleep?
endorphine crash from my bike ride?
Really note sure what was up there.
Though i had a big disappointment that caught me in the guts, I will just need to find another way around it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2009|04:18 pm] |
So i just totally bought something I don't need with money I don't have on ebay, and felt momentarily better.
It may have screwed up my bank account slightly, but hopefully all will right itself before hand.
And it means I'll be able to lose myself in games (which helps) without having to buy a new computer.
Money should have gone into my savings though. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2009|03:20 pm] |
I think maybe I need to look at moving back to Oregon. Sf is too expensive, and so many things are like swimming upstream here. I am very much isolated in many ways. I'm getting no clown work done, and while I get paid well to do a good job, there is still allot of resistance to my presence. I also feel like i' ve given allot to my alma mater (The conservatory) and they don't much care.
If anything they want to Take more and more control over the things I created due to their lack of them.
But I am also in the midst of the very beginning my crazy time, and can't make any life decisions until November.
Maybe December.
Still, I know i would have to pay out of state tuition and all, but it would be good to get a decent part time job based off my sf resume, and move back to Portland to go to school.
I miss having friends and sex and creating something of value.
Here I feel like I've stranded myself alone in the mudflats and am futiley spinning my wheels in case traction just magically occurs.
The coaches are here, but I can't get to them, so maybe there is where I should be.
I'm pretty fucking lost.
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2009|09:47 pm] |
http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=medicineformelancholy.htm
Hah, I was in this movie!
uncredited I'm sure, and probably only in the background.
I played the carousel operator.
I spent all day keeping the director and cinematographer from literally shoving visitors to the park out of their way,
and then in the end had to operate the carousel for them as well.
Assuming it didn't get cut, I was in it.
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|10:42 pm] |
Long somewhat difficult day at the good job, juggling logistics, and stormy attitudes and unlikely necessities, but I made it work.
In the short span between work and my salon thing, (community building effort to give people a chance to work on new material in front of peers)
I bust my ass to get out to the pharmacy and back, to find that they have gone ahead and started without me.
And everyone taking place was only there to audition for a show, elsewhere.
And there was no need for me to bust my ass.
This has come up a couple of times before, and I have asked it not happen.
It set me off and my attitude got progressively worse over the course of the evening.
And this led to a massive spiral of anger shit and filth.
But there is no sympathy in me for crazy.
Pull your head out and keep going.
Move on.
So i'm teetering on the edge of a unpleasant place and trying not to get angry to get over it, which would be the norm.
People are shit, and I accept that, I'm a shitty person to, I just am wallowing in it right now, and need to let it go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|06:47 pm] |
Hey All
I'm putting this info out there for anyone interested. It was written/compiled by Jeff Raz of the Clown Conservatory
It really sincerely is worth your time and commitment if comedy and circus are something you care about.
A.
( Read more... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2009|08:43 pm] |
900 mg lithium
25 mg lamictal
1 mg Klonepin
5 cartridges of Cafe Crene Nitrous
Damn |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2009|07:46 pm] |
Hello you,
haven't talked in awhile.
So to catch up.
Lost 60 pounds between July and November, then plateaued.
put about 10 back on after having shoulder decompression surgery.
I have now dropped back down to the 60 pound point.
I decided to make it through the coming economic depression, by taking giant student loans and getting a degree.
Unfortunately I am also a high school drop out.
So i got a GED.
Wanted to ace the whole thing, but I did it cold, and scored an average of 92%.
So now I need to hook up with a community college herein Sf, and see what it takes to pull down the 15g's + tuition costs I need to stop working at my massive stress demeaning exploitive job,
and only work my new secondary job while going to school full time.
Second Job?
Yep please.
I now work 7 days a week.
I have had 1 1/2 days off in the last like 2 months or so.
It has actually been kind of wonderful.
I have taken a second job on my days off, and a few hours here and there after work on the other days.
I love it and am doing things that are important to me and to my community, and learning some really important shit.
I am trying to get my health in order too.
I don't plan on staying at 7 days a week indefiniately, and may want to leave my job come fall, so I need to make sense of my insuarance options and get as much done as I can now.
IN this process of health making, we ended up plunging into my brain space issues, and as of today, I am taking Lithium.
So we will see how this goes.
Threw another circus festival,
That's it.
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2009|01:05 am] |
I have always been overly fond of other people's girlfriends.
Later in life that progressed to a marked preference for women who were married and had nearly complete lives utterly separate from me.
IN all honesty these two preferences are only marginally related.
The girlfriends are the frisson and undercurrent of romantic interest you get between people who are mutually attracted and can not pursue their interests, and the married women was about sexual relationships based on shared deviancy and predetermined limits and lack thereof.
It kept emotional entanglement out of some very tense and violently intimate relationships, where someone's feelings of vulnerability and release could easily get confused for affection and dependance.
But here and now, I have been alone since moving to San Francisco. I have been with a small handful of people in this time, but have had no relationships with anyone, and have no prospects.
At my current aesthetic, competence, artistry, psychic health and general flow, I would most likely have some nice encounters with people I cared for more or less as a regular part of my daily life back home,
but here I am alone, and it hits me every so often, that I need to have skin in my hands, and occasionally be touched by someone who cares about me as well.
Or at least the filth and malevolence I can share with someone else's person, should I not have one of my own.
So, lacking any of those things, maybe I'll buy a hedgehog. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2009|06:37 am] |
I might get my id by friday.
Assuming I do I can go and register for the tests I need for even thinking about college next monday.
Which would be lovely.
I even down loaded a study guide to make sure I know the types of info I'd be tested on.
This is a weird new adventure.
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2009|11:48 pm] |
So I'm a high school drop out.
Most people know that.
The only thing I have ever graduated was the conservatory (clown school).
So now i have decided to take out massive student loan and spend the next few years pursuing some degrees, while doing all the clown and circus stuff at the same time of course.
I will pursue an education in film/theatre production + some kind of certification in early childhood development.
This will benefit both of the career thoroughfares I am pursuing right now.
But I need to get a GED first,
and to do that I have to have valid state id.
And to do that I have to go to the dmv tomorrow and sit around for a few hours,..
AND THEN WAIT 60 DAYS
2 fuckgin months to get your id in san francisco.
The is insanely bizarre, and deeply wrong.
But i have no other options for getting valid new id right now, so I will have to back burner everything until I get my damned id.
Gonna make an appointment to talk to someone in city college admissions though, while I am figuring this shit out, and waiting for the id to arrive.
I'm Tee'd off.
But I gots to do what I gots to do.
A.
Addendum:
Also, coincidentally, I am watchign the prom episode of Buffy right now, and the scene where they give her the class protector award always chokes me up.
It is doing so right now.
Poo! I love this bit.
(Iv'e also never one an award or trophy ever, So I'd like to do that at some point to) |
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| www.jejuneinstotute.com |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|10:33 am] |
PART 1
I went with my friend "lucille" and she loved it.
The little discoveries, the secret parks, those were the parts she really enjoyed, and she insisted on returning to the one above the garage when we were done.
For me, most of the appeal lay in the aesthetics and ideas. I dug the clastrophobic but bizarrely active alleyways,
hunting a private eye in china town, and secret general sneaking about, quite nonchalant, in office buildings where we most clearly did not belong.
Up to starting I had genrally avoided reading any of the spoilers before hand, but coming in this late in the game made that very difficult, as so many people had already done the run, and issues had arisen.
I was pleased to see though that they had used 2 clear separate fixes for the recently ripped out phone booth. One on the ground and one in the envelope. There was no way to get too stuck there.
We went back to the Ca. Building with another Friend to have him inducted, while we went to see the Lady. While there we had a couple of nice chats with "yams moongood" and it sounds like they are still getting new players on a regular basis, which is encouraging. She says she will get one or two every day or two. We were the only ones today.
We were also very naughty, and quietly took turns dressing up in the lab coat and posing for photos in the induction room after our induction ended.
Our only hiccup, and my only complaint, is that the infrastructure seemed to be straining under the weight of it's bloating popularity.
It took us about 8 calls to get through to eddies voicemail, it kept being unavailable to each of our phones.
Philosophically, they narrative seems a bit confused right now, but that might be my not knowing all the things yall know. It seems to me that EPWA is really just a front/offshoot of the Jejune Institute, which exists as a valve through which their rowdier members can vent frustration and feel rebellious without actually turning squirrel and leaving the organization.
Which i would love to find out was the case.
It would be great to find out that Eva was a stooge created to keep people like Mr. Jamuel (SP?) and other Savant like burnouts jumping through hoops.
Just one more tol to control their prey.
To then be tasked with either helping the institute or bringing it down would be great game play.
I doubt that is how the game will go, but I am sure they will give something equally as fun. But it does make me wonder what the real world financial point of this is. Who is dropping the resources on this game and why?
It seems to be glorifying the kind of socially acceptable homogenized rebellion you use to sell skateboards and tennis shoes. It seems a very odd choice of black hats vs white hats, the cheezy pretentious beat paint huffing street poets, and the brilliant satire of the evil coporate cult.
It's like cats versus robots, just a very weird mix. But that can make for great adventure I am sure.
Can't wait to get my Transcript and CD (tomorrow most likely)
PART 2
So,... one of the things i really liked about the first act/part of the game was playing it with a group of people.
We had more success as a team than we would have had individually, and it was a great experience to share.
But, while ARG'S are traditionally a group effort, i get the impression that was not what was intended with this arg.
There are no elements to be solved by those who aren't physically in the city, no puzzles to be unraveled or cipher to be broke. There just seems to be discovery, exploration and personal experiences to be had.
This combined with the backlash against the walkthroughs, (created I think under the impression that non-residents would be able to play and some way, and could use a guide to catch up) has given me the impression that team play wasn't an idea planned for in making this terrific game.
And so far it HAS been a terrific game.
I checked out a radio from abby's today (the lady at the counter had no idea what I was talking about, but luckily her co-worker returned and hooked me up)
I had already purchased my "Transcript" but went to Delores park to hear the broadcast anyway.
I sat through the entire broadcast, irritating the drug dealers and horny teens there after dark, for an hour or so, until i was sure i had heard everything and made sure there was nothing I would miss by only getting the "transcript"
Tomorrow morning I will go to procure my cd, and try to accomplish as many other steps as I can while in that neighborhood, but what I really want to do, is figure out which steps my non-arging, less than willing to dick around on the computer all day, lets do things in real life friends can get the most enjoyment out of without losing the narrative.
I plan on taking a group along with me later in the week, some to be inducted and some on whatever i find to do with them in the second act.
It is my hope that come the final acts, the game will turn out to be built for team exploration as well as for the nosey loner types (like myself) who enjoy solo exploration and achievement.
The first act worked out nicely for a group, and has helped me interest allot of my friends and coperformers in the idea of args and real world gaming.
Hopefully the rest will be something we can share and discover together.
S.B. </span>
www.jejuneinstotute.com
www.elsewherepublicworks.com
www.ornithopterjumpsuit.com |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|01:22 am] |
Oy,
so in no way wound or nervous going in, ibut pretty damned beat up coming back out.
never having had surgery before i didn't know how much extra waiting there would be. I ended up going 20.5 hours without eating, and had a bitch of a migraine on the way home.
But home now many hours, with 2 weeks worth of carbohydrates in my belly, and an extra vicoden and a couple of hours napping, and a i feel pretty damned decent.
every person you speak to asks you which bod part they are operating on, what your name and birthdate is, and if you need as blanket.
And most of the people were incredibly friendly and helpful.
Iwoke up from the procedure in extreme pain and wanting to vomit, the anesthesia wearing off, but after that first hour of ice chips, pain killers ice packs and trying to stay awake, things leveled out.
Oh and all the people I dealt with were very interested and responsive to my polka dot wristband tattoo, which was mildly surprising.
So there you have it,
last lj entry was incredibly self indulgent, but that's part of the point of a livejournal, no?
Storytime gfest video is up on the fou fou ha website.
I'll post a embed later,
thanks to all,
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|01:45 pm] |
Does anyone know much of anything about pursuing a degree on line?
I am spending a day home trying not to get sick, (have a bug right now and a surgery next Monday, seems like a bad combo, so today I rest.
While i rest I am trying to get some life stuff in order.
I'm researching alternative revenue streams, (low end promotional photography, blogging for monies, possibly some kind of sea faring piracy or other dastardly acts), preparing my physical space for the post surgery recuperation,
arranging to learn mandarin, and looking into degree options.
As many of you know, I am almost entirely lacking in formal education, and the only thing i have ever graduated from is the Clown Conservatory.
So looking at what I can do to pursue a low level degree or certification in early childhood education, as it will lend the most benefit to my youth arts administration resume.
So, has anyone ever pursued this? If so what were your experiences, and what companies/organizations would you suggest?
Thanks in Advance,
Abraham |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2009|03:31 pm] |
Urrg,
I am really not sure what happened,
but i have ballooned back up to almost 230.
I had managed to hit 219 a couple of weeks ago, and was thrilled.
I am absolutely riding 10 miles on sunday, and may need to be recommitting myself to cauliflower.
ON a side note, the first Hullabaloo show is March 6th. I won't be doing my trunk act there most likely, but will be doing somethign i am sure, (as I am the producer, and can swing my weight around, assuming i have anythign to show)
Tonight is informal friday's, and i will be doing an entree experiment.
I think it is important to be willing to take big risks there, and in so doing encourage others to do similar.
Though I do wish I knew why i had put on so much weight in the last week.
Stress?
Carbquick?
Being a fat lazy bastard?
Secret Alien voodoo curse?
(Stop stealing my thoughts!!!!)
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2009|05:19 pm] |
I'm really not a fan of Will Ferrel.
When I was a kid we all had gi joes and star wars action figures.
I didn't have gi joe, my parents weren't really down with that. Th eone who could afford it wouldnt tand the other didn't have the dough.
I had he man and gobots (much better than transformers damnit)
And those toy based properties became the nostalgia driven consumerist obessions of my generation.
But i think i was born on a cusp, between one mass market identity and another.
These things were never what I identified my childhood with.
There was a great deal of "grown up" stuff.
Dr. Who (which is kids stuff in the uk, but as it was a late night only on pbs fare for most of my childhood it was very adult, and very scary)
Laughin (before my time)
Benny Hill
Mr. Rogers
the electric company
I had both of these eras of media consumption as my building ground,
but nothing , nothing from the television at least had as strong of an impact on or meant as much to me today as
Land of the Lost.
I am so very excited.
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 26th, 2009|03:21 am] |
Just got back from the show atthe last night of the Edwardian Ball. Went decently and saw some excessively lovely people including the remarkably talented and extremely beautiful Erica of Unwoman.com.
She, a cellist amongst other things has the most beautiful F Holes, and was showing them to everyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2009|05:47 pm] |
Tonight I will be appearing briefly with FouFouHa at the Edwardian Ball Variety show(?) at the regency Ballroom in Sf.
I'll be going on around midnight. There will be singing and dancing and limericks. Hoorah! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2009|06:06 pm] |
Just now was my third 5 mile bike ride this week.
I live in sf and my bike weighs 47 pounds.
And I'm a fat bastard, so this is an accomplishment.
The first 5 mile ride cost me 10 pounds in water weight the following afternoon.
Event though I knew it was only water weight in the back of my mind, i was still ecstatic. Your brain tries to fool you, it says, well maybe you haven't weighed yourself in a few days, maybe you didn't lose 10 pounds overnight.
So of course it came back by a couple of days later.
But as of the end of my ride today I am back down 5 pounds of that.
Again haven't weighed in a couple of days, and probably 2 or 3 pounds of that is water weight, but it is nice to be making progress again after the last month and a half of plateau.
And cracking the teens, if only for an afternoon was still a wonderful thing. Haven't weighed that little since i was a drug addict.
But unless i drop under 160, that will be true of any new low i hit.
So, second goal is 20 pounds away, at this very moment, and third goal another 20 past that.
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2009|04:51 pm] |
I got my bike back from the shop today.
It has sat almost completely unridden since October of 2007. It was broken and i had niehter the money nr the inclination to have it fixed. It sat in my old apartment for months and motnhs, and then at my work in the underground for more months and months.
Last week i took it to the shop and i picked it up today.
It is a beautiful bike and I rode it home.
This is my bike, if you have not seen her before.
http://img.epinions.com/images/opti/9e/fa/2003-Giant-Simple-Deluxe-7-bikes-resized200.jpg
Except it has ginormous handle bars that are 3 feet wide.
And it weighs, with it's basket, over 47lbs.
FORTY SEVEN POUNDS!
So today I rode it the 5.1 miles home from the shop. In San Francisco.
I used a version of the wiggle recommended by the bike shop guy.
It was a really good ride, and there is no way i will likely feel like it tomorrow morning, but i want to try to ride it to work and back tomorrow.
It's a shorter but more dangerous ride to work in the morning, in the dark, with no helmet.
maybe that will have to wait.
A. |
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| General Odds |
[Jan. 19th, 2009|03:08 pm] |
And Major Whatthehelldude?
1. Last night I went to see a clown show starring the wondrous Summer Shapiro. I have seen her show 3 or 4 times now and I am always touched and deeply pleased. I am crushed upon the character she plays on stage and always impressed by her skill and technique as a performer. But double billed with her one woman clown show, was an hour plus long black middle aged lesbian masochist spoken word interpretive/sexy dance multimedia performance artist. And we turned out to share many cultural reference between us. A great deal of what she talked about had a surface connection to my own childhood or to the lives of so many other deviants i have know. I found myself unconsciously toasting these ideas as they came up, well more to the point, she found me doing it and called me on it. But not in an embarrassing way, particularly. It just reminded me that i don't really have anyone to share that part of my life and myself with, not even conversationally, and at this point that would be more important than the phyiscal expression of it.So,despite being of completely different backgrounds and from opposite sides of the same coin ,it was nice to have a few moments of resonance with someone else in SF. \
2. had some decent performance of my solo trunk axct, for the first itme ever as a solo in front of real audiences. It needs allot of tweaking, but i can do that on the road. Now i need to perform it as much as possible.
3. have had allot of BIG IDEAS lately,but no real way to support or develop them. want to write two different mmo's, one for cell phones (android and iphone specifically) that would in an aesthetic sense be akin to habitat or old nes scrollers like zelda ultima. have some mechanics for it in my head, but keep juggling the theme around. Another mmo for big computers that is (i hate the term steampunk allot!) set in a kind of call of cthullhu silver age of science fiction mad scientist indiana jones kind of world. I have lots of game mechanics and thematic shit for that one all laid out already. I also want to, start a circus museum, build a very specific circus show, write a children's mystery ala ellen raskin, and have been thinking about chemisrty base personal defense devices, and a biofeedback computer UI for paralyzed peoples. Some of the ideas are recycled from earlier ones, but they are hitting me full force right now, and need to be pursued.
4. Japanese Louis Armstrong impersonator. Jesus. What? I mean,.. WHAT! fuck.
5. what's good on tv?
all my faves are over (brits only doing 6 episodes per season the fuckwads!) or on hiatus. What's good?
6. How do you live in the world, do indie performance art asscrack of the type we do and have never heard of the tiger lillies? I mean that blows me the fuck away. Terry Cucpcake o'mason, ok i get you not knowing her, but the fucking tiger lillies? that's like a hipster fucktard not knowing who lee hazlewood or robyn hitchcock is. I mean jesus, they are as ubiquitos in that cabaret/performanceart scene as tom waits or screaming jay hawkins used to be. They are fucking mainstream in many circles. How do you not know who the hell they are. Also, while on the subject, usually you can just shove klaus nomi right up your ass. Honestly. he does almost nothing for me outside of the vinyl tuxedos. Gimmie yma sumac any day. But i fuckign love songs about super science rght now.
I want to put together an acapella band that does just mad science songs. freeze ray/brand new day, Still alive, blinded me with science, weird science, ect. ect. ect.Maybe somehtign from that old portland band that did al the horror movie songs. they were great. I loved them. |
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| Fou Fou Ha! |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|12:14 am] |
more from storytime festival!
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| 200lbs |
[Dec. 25th, 2008|08:58 pm] |
Me around the time i was with Letecia, closer to 200lbs. The hair helped, hid the rondness of the sides of my face.
Versus around 3 to 5 years later
I'll get some new more recent as soon as I can. I am running around 225lb right now.
I'll keep with the plan until i break 200lbs, then i will start looking for other options for the last 20 pounds to get me down to BMI "healthy weight".
Then we will see what we see.
A. |
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| IMG_7697 |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|08:56 pm] |
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me from the shoulders down at least,
at the storytime festival at the palace of fine arts Dec. 20th
san francisco
you can't see my horrific makeup or giant green krusty the clown wig,
but i had both.
And I rocked the show, as did all of Fou Fou Ha! who I was performing with.
yayus, shame they chose to only shoot me from the neck down.
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|07:50 pm] |
Been thinking allot about old relationships, short flings, people i have pleasant frictin with and people i have never touched.
Christmas is a time for that, for me.
Sol Invictus, the return of the unconquered sun.
I've been plateaued about 60 pounds down for the last month or so, without much progress, havent really been putting out any effort, need to bust ass and take off the next 25 or so, and then can lazily spiral down to my goal.
So, come next week back on a very stringent plan, and allot more exercise, as I have had little aside from the rehearsals for the show at the palace, and the show itself.
I need more connections in my life, and high towards the top of the list is pleasant friction. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|10:00 pm] |
big apearantly sold out show on Saturday.
I'll be performing at the palace of fine arts for the storytime festival, with the group Fou Fou Ha,
With Whom, assuming all goes well, i will be performing with on a regular basis in the future.
I'm also almost at 60 pounds down.
I am not paying as close attention to the numbers as i was for the first few months, and had a bit of a backslide between thanksgiving and the company xmas party.
But slowly and surely continuing my elemental spiral towards normalcy.
I will eat 2 to 3 pounds of cauliflower a week if it means being human sized again.
Being around these dancers reminds me of how not skinny i still am and keeps me from letting my skewed body image win out.
Stick with the healthy and keep working my system.
And dancing.
And occasionally walking on slackropes when my teacher can make it to classes.
These three things will bring me under 200 pounds soonish, and i will be a very happy man.
A. |
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| On Health |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|08:33 am] |
I stopped being a drug user sometime in late 1997. I was 24.
I had spent the entire 2 years previous to that binging on methamphetamine.
I sent about a year following my binge in bed trying not to die, and then another 7years trying to feel anything but sorrow and terror and pain.
I eventually accomplished all those goals, but found myself 30 years old and missing a good chunk of my early adulthood.
So i moved to San Francisco and went to clown school, out of a desire to grow up and be responsible.
When i was a meth addict I weighed 167 at my lowest point (in most sense of the term)
I went up to around 310 in the period that followed. But, to prepare for the rigors of school, i got a physical trainer and made it all the way back down to 265, only 100 pound more than i had been at speed weight!
Then i moved here and I did chinese acrobatics, seriously injured myself, stopped doing chinese acrobatics, and as of last june weight 283.
I went to the doctor to see about fixing my shoulder,now that I had insurance through my work, and he informed me that i was morbidly obese and a good candidate for bariatric surgery.
This took me completely by surprise.
I have never felt that big, and was much smaller than a real "fat" person, and so on and so forth.
But I quickly came to realize and reevaluate the last 10 years, and a realization dawned on me.
I have a deeply skewed and warped self image.
I think i am much much thinner than I really am. And the shoe dropped, and the puzzle pieces fit, and I made a change.
So taking a less drastic step than tummy surgery I went on a low carb dietary plan of my own devising.
I have come from 283 in late june early july to 227 today, and am only 30 pounds from my second goal of breaking under 200 again.
My final goal will be the full 100 pounds.
Now i walk a great deal, (becuase i can now and could not before) I take slackrope lessons, and I am at least temporarily a member of a theatrical dance troupe and am pursuing the onehundredpushups.com push up program.
The pushups have added a few pounds in mucle i fear, but i have had to go out and buy all new clothes, and people dont recognize me from behind. I still think i am allot thinner than I really am, but hopefully soonish, reality and my internal gap will shrink close enough to be indistinguishable. I feel like they are getting closer, but I am not so good at judging that.
A. |
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| On Clown School |
[Nov. 29th, 2008|07:41 pm] |
My first year at the clown school was tumultuous.
Most of us in my class deeply disliked one another by the end of the year. We began deeply disliking each other by about half way through the year.
We faced some unusual challenges and did not quite rise to meet them.
In this year I learned to be open and vulnerable, stand still, throw focus, some basic entrees and that work was easy to come by in San Francisco.
My second year at the clown school did not go as well. I was paid by my student housing hotel, to move out, after taking them to court.
This money paid off my school debts, and allowed me to buy my way out of the second year program.
The year was less than a month from over and I had received very very little from the program. I had used most of my class time to study improv at a different school, and continued doing that until very recently.
Nevertheless, I am very glad I joined the program and would still heartily recommend it to most. They have fixed the potholes and smoothed out the edges, and are working towards being one of the greatest circus schools in the world. No where near that goal yet, but clearly progressing towards it and I am very very proud to be a member/alumni/participant in this school.
I learned a great deal in the program and outside of it through the school and met some amazing and inspiring teachers and fellow performers.
Over last spring and summer I booked and promoted a series of free circus shows at San Francisco's Union Square.
They were by and large a huge success, but received no backing from the company that asked me to put them on, and therefore no publicity aside from what I [aid out of my pocket to have done, (fliers and the like) This meant in the end, despite their reception there was no media coverage.
For a large chunk of the last two school years I have hosted a weekly performance salon, employed numerous students and alumni of my school and offered the last two incoming classes orientation tours of the city to help them adjust to this terrible place.
(the park is nice, golden gate, but aside from that and the things I have personally been involved in,there isn't much i care for here)
I audition for cirque and got cut before lunch the first day, i have seen many circuses, learned many many new skills, done a smattering of performances all generally well received. I discovered a talent for walk around performance, children's entertainment, community building, networking, and making vague ideas into actual things.
I am currently taking slackrope lessons, but have only had three so far. I am working on professional performance pieces, started a band (which i will need to restart in January, we all got distracted) and joined a theatrical dance company. I am in the process of booking a circus festival for next year, and developing a family oriented monthly show at a nice little family oriented theatre i know. I need to have three professional clown pieces ready before summer comes, so I can shop them for the hiring cycle next fall,
and I am looking for a second job as a program director (which is what I do in my current job, but without the title or pay hike commiserate to it). I also have plans to develop a fairy tale based show developed from improv, and a musical clown show around a fellow performer if I can talk her into it.
I will start taking improv again soon as well i believe.
This will, I hope, be the last year for some time, that I spend in San Francisco.
A. |
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| I forgot to put eggs in the pie. |
[Nov. 27th, 2008|03:49 pm] |
Hi, My name is Abraham. And I'm a clown.
This is a reboot, so for anyone who didn't know me before,
I'm 35. Iv'e been a fat batsard for most of my life.
(though I was generally unaware of what a fat bastard I actualy was)
I moved to San Francisco recently (2 1/2 years ago), to study theatrical clown and develope material for launching a professional career.
I have done one of those two things.
I work as a day job for a large bizarre quasi-corporate Property management company that controls a number of public parks.
I direct programs for children wihtin those parks for those companies.
It is a depressing, stressful and vaguely fulfiling work, that generally just pisses me off, but on occasion is truly wonderful.
I am looking to work somewhere else doing similar work, but getting paid for the work i actually do.
I have spent the last two years here studying, working, and recently developing some skills i hadn't planned on developing.
I live in a tiny room in the richmond district with complete twits, i am studying slackrope and developing clown material.
I do volunteerish community building things for my school and occasionally book circus shows for my company.
I have lost 50+ pounds inthe last 5 months, and have not had been involved with anyone since before moving here.
Today is thanksgiving. I am right in between where i was two years ago and where I hope to be at some point in the future. It's terribly vague, but it's the best i have in terms of direction. I have moved toward the general direction of goals I used to have and will hopefully keeping doing so. That's a bit of what this space wioll likely be.
I need to think outloud, and I like to have someone to bounce shit off of.
For now that is going to be you.
I hope you find it enjoyable to be pelted with other people's poo. I have a bucketful and You look like a big hairy canvas.
Thanks for helping out, and don't close your eyes too much.
Abraham |
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